Am I too old to visit my cousin in college this weekend?

So I am planning on visiting my 22 year old female cousin at a medium sized college this weekend and my other 18 year old cousin (Marine ROTC) is picking me up for this.

Now granted, I am only a year or two removed from the age difference of the student body there but I have been working man for almost two years now. In addition, I need to babysit an overexcited 18 year old male cousin of mine during this time. Topple on to this that I am single and may or may not be staying in a sorority house during my weekend there.

Now I am not visiting Arizona State, but at the same time I'm sure shits gonna get weird, but I am actively trying to prepare myself for the rebirth of my frat days.



So I've come up with some ground rules:

1) No blacking out
2) Keeping active eyes on the Marine the entire time
3) No one under age of 20

I think these should stand sufficient as guidelines for me to get weird responsibly.

Definitely should get some impressive heroics out of the trip as I will undoubtedly be the hottest thing to hit there campus since the advent of quarters. No question I will have 10 friend requests come Sunday evening.

What should I do with a hot international pen pal?

Through the beauty of Twitter, I've acquired a very attractive international (Denmark) pen pal. She started following me for some reason or another, probably because of the best wallpaper on Twitter but I digress. In any case, that is really her and I have her Facebook page to back it up with "Napoleon Dynamite" glamour shots.

She hits me up on Skype during the work day, which is great cuz she is at home so she's able to entertain me while I'm at work. However, no hot Danish twitpics sent to me.

Like getting Randy Jackson's autograph, it's not like you're not going to stay engaged here, but I guess I am just passing the time till she gets a green card. Or we end up visiting each other....

Carmelo a Knick....and?

So Carmelo officially became a Knick last night. I only found this out after I got back home from hustling some of Pittsburgh's finest in darts at my local tavern. Needed some coin before pay day. Word of advice, find out in advance when your company pays, because once a month blows.

Anyways, I could really care less that the Knicks got Carmelo Anthony. Oh sure, they have Amare Stoudamire, and no lie, he's better than I thought he would be in NYC. However, I don't see Spike Lee getting doused with champagne in the locker room anytime soon. Knicks need a young point guard like Pau Gasol needs to go back to Europe. Billups would be a great 2 or back up, but to be legit contenders the Knicks need a bench and a Derek Rose/Rondo running the ball in addition to a legit shooter.

Sure what I am proposing the mold that Celtics/Lakers have right now, but you really can't argue with that as its proven successful. Bottom line? Wake me up if the Knicks get Chris Paul.

Why is everyone hating on Pat Burrell?

Okay, I'll start off by saying that I am completely jaded on this subject. Pat the Bat aka The Machine went to my prep school/high school and I have met him. Total Dude.

That being said, he pulled off with Brian Wilson one of the funniest baseball related things in recent history. S&M outfit, no big deal. Perhaps one of the only times that type of thing has hit main stream audiences:



Now, I know the guy has been labeled a: drunk, douchebag, noted asshole for various late night escapades, but really, you gotta give it up to the guy for just living that I don't give a shit career. Win a world series, take a year and a half off in Tampa, then go win another one in San Francisco? Unreal. So what if he was drafted first and doesn't play up to your potential? When people say that, all I hear is my junior high english teacher saying I don't give 100% in class. Oh yeah, well I'm having fun and passing so deal with it.

Let the man (or machine be) and just enjoy the show. Hope this guy stops in Boston before he retires, guy would dominate the Monster.

Can anyone else pull this off?

Really, I implore anyone to try and come up with anyone else, comedian or otherwise, that could pull this off with a certain degree of seriousness. Like could do it and people wouldn't think s/he was a jackass. Jack Black/South Park guys, I'm talking to you.

Some might say Kanye West, and that is a big fat no.

The only person I can think of, it maybe Bjork...and she'd have to have like a big time hit on the airwaves too. Only person that could pull it off. Count on it.

What really grinds my gears about Pittsburgh

Okay so I have been living out here in Pittsburgh for about 6 months now and I have to say, I enjoy the town. It's not a city, let's get that straight. Manchester, NH might be more diverse. That being said, mostly nice people, GREAT bar scene, good food, cheap rent, yadda yadda yadda.

However, the Pittsburgh Steelers is literally the only thing that 73% of this town has going for them. No lie. Remember that part in Eastbound and Down when Kenny Powers narrates over the bar, "No hopes, no dreams," and on? That is Pittsburgh. And to add insult to injury, they have the worse team anthem than that god awful Prince inspired song for the Vikings:



So I don't mean to re-hash the Superbowl loss, because honestly my boss is a huge Packers fan and I just wanted to see him it rub it in my other co-workers' faces.

More importantly, is that the Penguins are faltering. Malkin out for the season, Crosby has no immediate return in site. Basically, their entire argument of being a "championship" town is crumbling on the spot. Drunk Uncle Fester look-a-likes who have been berating me for being from Boston can now shut the hell up as the Bruins wheel and deal their way to the Stanley Cup playoffs. Order is being restored to this town and I could not be happier.

The Pirates (who I will say have a fantastic ballbark)are the only team that have accepted their town for what it is, the red headed stepchild of Pennsylvania. Shitty team, low attendance, but a great time out!

All I'm saying, Pittsburgh, is that I cannot wait for you to shut the hell up for the next 7 months when it comes to sports. Oh you have Pitt basketball, how could I forget. But I am sure, like always, someone will knock you out of the tourney.